Friday, July 11, 2008

Boot Your Scootie

Those of you who know me, know my dislike of country music is right up there with my desire to eat pig snouts. Both have the same reaction on me.........Kill me before I barf!!!

Don't get me wrong here, I love a good story put to music (which reminds me, I'll have to tell you about Opera sometime....comes right behind the pig snouts). So far the stories have been far too much for my feeble mind to process. Although YOU might be hearing sweet sad stories of love, to pleasant screechy music, the story in some of these songs gets my brain in a riot of questions that leaves me unable to just sit back and enjoy the twanging gee tar (I'm not sure what a gee tar is so please don't ask, but apparently it is a requirement of a good country song). Here, for instance, are some examples.

First, "my wife left me for a younger man", this passes through my ears, hits my brain and begs the question "why did he hook up with the broad in the first place......wasn't she most likely cheating on someone else when she met him? After all, men out on the range for long periods of time with no one but their horses, do seem to return with some strange love making ideas forcing their women to hit the "sweet by and by" (I'll explain "by and by" later).

Note: for those of you with no knowledge of western ways, just think in terms of sheep herders or Brokeback Mountain...whichever works

Here's another, "the hitch in her giddy up drives me wild" ...what the hell is a giddy? Does it have a down? Why does it have a hitch on it, and, if it does, who put it in there and how?

One final example, "By the Sweet By and By"(told you I would get to it). I think a by and by is some type of crossroad, path, or pasture, I'm not really sure. A by-way is a road and that is what leads me to that thought. With that in mind, let me tell you, when it comes to cowboys, the by and by is usually loaded with a lot of Horse S#@t.

Just as a point of interest: Cowboy, is not to be mistaken for Wrangler. One loves his horse the other is in to a rope fetish and loves tying up animals, mostly bulls and calves and that is a different type of residue on the by and by, more commonly know as Bull Crap.

Tip: Here is another point of interest that will help you in knowing the difference between cowboy and wrangler the next time you meet an old fart wearing a western hat. If he says, Horse Sh#T.....he is a cowboy.....if he says, Bull Crap.....he is a Wrangler. A very important distinction as the wrangler never loses his love of rope, so don't reply with a snide remark or you may find yourself on your back feet and hands tied together and up in the air, in a very uncomfortable position (at least for most of us). The cowboy, on the other hand, has bad knees from years of being bent outward, from riding on a saddle, and will most likely not be able to chase after you. Although, he may still have a gun, but he probably doesn't know where the bullet is for it, the poor old fart. Therefor you should be alright. Just in case, apparently spitting on the ground after your statement will win you some points and both the cowboy and the wrangler may let your remark pass.

I am not hopeless though. I'm willing to overcome this dislike of country music. I figured that the strange terms are what is causing my inability to acquire a taste for this type music. With that in mind, I though it might help for me to take a shot at writing a country song. I even have a label for the cover, which you can see pictured above.

So this is my go at a story song. It is about a kinky house wife who wanted a wrangler instead of a cowboy.

Title - The Boot your Scootie

Lyrics:

Now my years are great,and my wife has left me for a straight legged wrangler with a long rope, [insert twang here]

She shot my horse on her way down the by and by. [insert voice crack and pitch change here....PS doesn't matter what pitch as long as it is completely opposite the last note]

Now I'm left to ride the range, [slap left side with hat in hand, and stomp right leg up and down out of rhythm]

on my less than one horse power scooter. [stand up and scoot your booty, but remember, if your older like me, the pins in your hips may limit the range of motion]

Chorus:

Throw in about three choruses of Woooohooooo's, Yahhaaaa's, and foot stomping tunes. then repeat the lyrics three times, each interrupted with whooohoooos, yahhhhaaaa's and foot stomping tunes.

Finally:

Now finish with a big WAHOOOOOOOO, yell Giddy-up (still don't know what a giddy is but apparently it goes up), be sure to also wave your hat in the air, and ride off toward the paper machetes moon hanging on stage left.

Later Whipper Snapper (another kinky type person only younger) ~ TomC

PS.......If you would like to argue my opinions and views of country music.......start YOUR own blog or if you prefer you may send an email to tomc@idontcare.loo

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